This page helps you to look at some of the key considerations you might want to make before you set off on your journey to connect with your adopted child or relative.
Why now?
Is it a good idea to try and get in contact?
Is it the right time?
What do you want?
Support available
Why now?
If you’re looking at this site there’s a good chance you’re a birth parent or relative considering searching for a relative you have lost to adoption.
If you are a birth parent you may have been thinking about taking this step for many years. If you are looking for a brother or sister you may have only just found out they existed.
Is it a good idea to try and get in contact?
In every situation there can be benefits and drawbacks and it is important that you have had the opportunity to consider these with an experienced worker. Things that birth relatives have said it is important to consider include:
- How your enquiries may affect other people in your family and the family of the adopted person
- The expectations you have about contact
- What your hopes and fears are for the future
- What if it all goes wrong?
- What if the person doesn’t want to know you?
- Will they know they are adopted?
- What do they know about you?
- Have they made any enquires?
Is it the right time?
It’s important that you’re in the right frame of mind to do so. Regardless of the outcome of your search, it’s likely to be an emotionally stressful time for you, so you should aim to approach it at a time when there are as few other complications and stresses in your life as possible.
If possible, you should also aim to have support in your search. This can be from friends, family, an adoption advisor or another professional. This may be a difficult time and regardless of how committed or enthusiastic you are, once you commence the search you need to be prepared as you could be opening a “Pandora’s box” whose contents may be surprising, joyous, upsetting … or anywhere in between. It can be helpful to have someone to talk it over with.
It is also worth considering that your life and those of your family may be changed forever by the outcome of your search. Consider how you may feel, but also consider your partner, children and other close relatives. This is not a reason not to pursue your search as it is your legal and ethical right, but don’t be surprised by the range of reactions of those close to you.
Many birth parents were told not to tell anyone that they had a child adopted and many did not tell subsequent partners and children. You will not be alone if you are in this position. You can talk to an adoption advisor or intermediary service and discuss with them if or when you want to share information with others.
Ultimately, only you can decide when the time is right to commence a search but there are some steps you can take beforehand to prepare yourself, such as:
If possible, talk to friends, family and those you trust about the pros and cons of doing so. Remember though that however enthusiastic or negative they are about it the decision to search is yours and yours alone.
Remember that you can take the process as slowly as you like. Until contact is made you are in control
What do you want?
It’s important to consider what you want to get out of the process. It may help to sit down and write out your expectations, hopes and fears.
- Do you want to know if they are alive and how they are?
- Do you want to meet them?
- Do you imagine an ongoing relationship
- How would this fit into the rest of your family?
Don’t be surprised if your expectations and wishes change over time – particularly after meeting.
Support available
As mentioned above, it is important to identify a source of support in your search. Family and Friends are often many people’s “go-to” solution, but there are a variety of organisations and individuals who may be able to provide support, which include, but are not limited to:
- Adoption Advisors – Also referred to as Adoption Workers, these are specialists who work for Local Authority adoption teams, Regional Adoption Agencies, Voluntary Adoption Agencies and Adoption Support Agencies. They are experienced in helping people prepare for accessing information from adoption records and those who are seeking a reunion with a birth relative, and may also act as intermediaries, which can be helpful when an approach to a birth relative is being made. They are also a good source of ongoing support and advice. For more information on where to find adoption counsellors visit our support pages.
- Support groups for birth parents and relatives and online forums – although these groups are unfortunately not common, there may be one locally. You can find out by checking with Adoption teams and Adoption Support agencies in your area. These are a great way to get support and advice and share your experiences, as well as hear from people with a range of experiences relating to the reunion process. For more information regarding support groups visit our support pages.
- Intermediary Services – these are immensely valuable following the initial information gathering stage when you’re considering initiating contact with your birth family. Find out more about intermediary services here.
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